Hi, *waves enthusiastically*

Thanks for choosing my blog – you’re awesome and deserve cake. Probably.

So here’s the thing – I could lie to you and tell you that my blog is amazing (it isn’t) and that it’s filled with sparkly goodness and sweetness, but I’m not going to do that. Not because I can’t lie – I’m actually quite fabulous at it, but rather because this is a class assignment and counts for marks, so let’s keep it honest.

This blog is not for the uber-politically correct or the easy to offend. It’s not even for the very difficult to offend. That should tell you a bit about me… here’s a little more – I’ve been told by at least 7 people that I’m a terrible person. My mom wants to tell me that every time I open my mouth. In her defence, she’s not the only one. She’s just the nicest about it.

Here’s the thing though – I learned a long time ago that being normal is the literal worst! It’s also painful when you’re so obviously not normal but continually try to squeeze your round ass into someone else’s idea of square perfection. Take my advice – don’t bother. It just ain’t worth it.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being told I’m terrible. One person’s asshole is another person’s funhole. I’m paraphrasing slightly and that came out dirtier than I expected, but you get the idea. I’m aware this blog isn’t for everyone and I’m okay with that. I’ve been told far too many times that I’m not fit for polite society (thanks, mom) and I kind of like that. Who would want to be polite when you could rather embarrass your friends by loudly screaming about sex toys in a bookstore? Not me!

Mostly this blog is about my bizarre outlook on life and my struggles with coping with mental illness. God, that sounds awful. Mental illness makes it sound like I’m 2 seconds away from throwing my own shit out of the window. But I’m okay with that (sorta) because part of what this blog is about is learning to laugh at myself and the everyday struggles that come with being hopelessly awkward at the best of times and a serious mess the other times. Think of this as a sort of how-to guide on surviving yourself. At the very least my public embarrassments should give you a little perspective on your own – so we’re all winners. Yay us!

One more thing… just a quick side note – don’t waste your time telling me that there’s nothing funny about paedophilia or aids because guess what….there is! As Daniel Tosh says, “if you have a good joke, there is going to be something funny about it.” And I will keep laughing regardless of how strongly you frown at me or silently wish I get cancer. I’m not a bad person for making a joke about a priest putting his hands where he shouldn’t and I’ll tell you why – I can separate the difference between reality and a joke. If you can’t, don’t make it my problem.

Look – I’m not going to go out of my way to be offensive and obnoxious because that’s not what this blog is about. BUT there will be times where, despite my best intentions, I will offend you. Probably many times. This right here is just my version of fair warning.

So if you can’t take a joke then please take this disclaimer to heart – run fast and run far. If you can, then welcome friends.

Hugs and kisses,